


Tears of healing

by Julieseven



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Naescar, Suicide Attempt, Yousef and Even friendship, angsty flashbacks, happy tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-16 14:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13056249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julieseven/pseuds/Julieseven
Summary: an Interpretation of the Naescar theory. WARNING: Flashback description of Even's suicide attempt. Not graphic, but sad and possibly triggering nonetheless.





	1. Heart full of regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [evenskindness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/evenskindness/gifts).



> My dear Anri!
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>  
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> Finally, FINALLY I get to give you my secret santa gift. I was inspired by quite a few people, by the answers you gave me to my weird questions, and by our mutual love of a HAPPY EVEN!
> 
>  
> 
> Don’t let the title fool you: There is a lot of happiness in this fic, particularly at the end! I tried to incorporate all your requests and really hope you like it! And of course, I can’t wait to hear what you think of my interpretation of the Naescar theory.
> 
>  
> 
> I have a few people to thank for their help with this work: 
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> Rose @roseknowsbest, for giving me the idea to write about Naescar and for beta-ing my outline.
> 
>  
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> Amalie for helping me with the problem of nicknames in Norwegian.
> 
>  
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> Josie for being my awesome first beta for this! Nothing escaped her, she saw every tiny mistake and helped me get this right.
> 
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> My second beta Yan @Yanfreak who read this fic thoroughly and even did research to make sure I got the details right! Darling, I love you so much.
> 
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> My bipolar Guru Lulu (hihi that rhymes) @thelordvoldemort. You took the time to read this in spite of being very busy and as always you gave me wonderful insight and kind tipps! I love you babe.
> 
>  
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> My fourth beta Noora who read this through as well and was so kind to give me her feedback!! Kiitoksia sweetheart!  
>  
> 
> And last but not least, my fifth beta Gaya @gayaisanerd! You’re nothing short of a spectacular writer yourself, and although you’re superbusy, you took the time to take a look at this! Thank you for always having my back! I love you <3 <3
> 
>  
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> But now, have fun reading this my darling Anri, and let me know what you think <3 <3.
> 
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> Lots of christmassy love 
> 
> Your Sue

**Glossary:**

“Seff”        Norwegian slang for “of course”

“Kjekk”        “Handsome” in Norwegian

 

**Yousef**

Walking home from Sana’s house, you’re not sure how to feel. The talk with Sana was good and you can’t help but think that after tonight, the two of you will talk more again. But Sana asked why you and the boys stopped talking to Even. You told her that it wasn’t your story to tell, which Sana instantly accepted of course. But now you can’t stop thinking about your former best friend and the huge hole in your heart he left behind when he disappeared.

_You and Even were best friends from the moment you met in kindergarten. Both of you were very tall for your age, which made you targets for mean kids who thought it was funny to call you names and mock you whenever you hit your heads somewhere or had trouble fitting your legs under a table. Even was quick to notice that the other kids were being mean to you for the same ‘reason’ they bullied him and asked you if you wanted to hang out. Of course you accepted, since you were in no position to object to making friends, and also because Even’s eyes were so kind you couldn’t help but trust him from the second you met him._

_In first grade, you and Even got assigned to the same class as four other boys: Elias, Mutta, Mikael and Adam, and it didn’t take long for the six of you to become close friends. You had tons of fun together and were always there for one another. However, as much as you cared about the other four, Even was always your favourite person in the world, and you were his._

_He was the first person you told when you started realising that you don’t believe in God. Your doubts didn’t come as a result of a bad experience with your religion. It was rather because no matter how often and how sincerely you prayed, nothing happened. You never felt God’s presence in your heart. And one day - you and Even were sixteen - when the two of you were sitting at by the Akerselva river after school, you told him just that._

_“Even, I think God hates me,” you said, letting out a shivering breath and staring at your hands._

_“How could anyone hate you, man?” Even asked instantly, and you were glad he didn’t make you look at him. He just waited for you to answer._

_“I … I don’t feel Him. It’s like … when I pray, I feel like I’m talking to myself,” you admitted, finally daring to look at Even._

_Your best friend was watching you with kind eyes and an understanding smile. “I get what you mean,” he said, and it was as if those words opened a floodgate._

_“Thank fuck,” you let out, and then you told Even everything. About how you never felt that your faith was genuine and that every prayer you’d ever said was a lie. That every time you listened to your mum’s stories about how God helped her get through the toughest time in her life, it only made you feel sad because you had no story of your own to match hers._

_“The worst part is that I really want to believe God is real, but He’s not proving it to me,” you said, and the understanding look in Even’s eyes made you want to hug him. Being the awkward nerds you were, neither of you dared to do that though, so Even just cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter._

_“Do you know why you want to believe in God?” he asked, making you stare at him. No one had ever asked you that before._

_“What?” you blurted out, still staring blankly at your best friend._

_Even smiled kindly and folded his hands over his knee, studying you carefully. He chewed his lower lip for a few moments before clearing his throat again. “Do you want to believe in God because your parents do? Or because they would be disappointed if you didn’t? Or do you want to believe in God because you think that it’s impossible that all the plants and animals on earth came into existence by chance?”_

_A heavy silence followed Even’s words, and you felt dizzy from the storm of thoughts they had stirred up in your head. You knew the answer to each and every question your best friend asked, and maybe that’s why you were suddenly terrified._

_“Yes …. yes... and … no,” you finally managed, your voice shaking. You looked down at your knees and realised your hands were clenched around them so tightly your knuckles were turning white._

_Even shuffled closer to put his arm around your shoulder and cover one of your hands with his own. “Sef, are you okay?” he murmured, and in spite of how desperate you were feeling, the nickname made you grin._

_Only Even was allowed to call you Sef. It had started as a joke one day when you had asked Even to bring you your school books so you could do your homework while you were sick. Even had replied “Seff, Sef,” making you laugh so hard you had had the worst coughing fit afterwards._

_A while later, Even had picked you up at home for a party, and the moment you’d opened the door he’d spread out his arms, raising his eyebrows at you. “How do I look?” he’d wanted to know, making you grin. For that party, Even had wanted to look his very best because a cute girl from school - her name was Sonja - was going to be there._

_“Kjekk, Bech,” you had told him with a wink, making both of you burst out laughing. And ever since, those two nicknames had been an inside joke between the two of you._

_“I’m …” you began, but when Even’s eyes met yours, you couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him. “No … I think … I’m … not a muslim,” you finally said, and it sounded so final you almost started to cry. “Am I a bad person for not believing, Even?”_

_Your voice broke on the last word and Even shook his head and pulled you into his arms. “You’re not a bad person, man. I don’t believe either, and I heard somewhere that you call me your best friend, so I can’t be that horrible eh?”_

_Realising what you just said, you looked up at him, eyes wide in shock. “I’m sorry, Even, I didn’t mean …”_

_But Even just shakes your head with a gentle smile. “I know, Yousef, it’s fine.”_

_You sat there for a long time that day. Even explained to you that he grew up thinking that God was a little man who lived in his grandmother’s bible. She’d always told him that if she wants to talk to God, all she has to do is read the bible. He had always been terribly disappointed when he tried opening the bible at every page without ever finding the little man. Until one day, he’d told his mother about the frustrating endeavour and she explained the concept of God to him._

_“I didn’t understand it. I mean, I got what she meant, but it made no sense to me that there is an invisible guy who knows everything and apparently loves every last person in the world. It seemed exhausting to me, so I never believed it,” Even elaborated, smiling fondly at you. “Some people believe and others don’t, man. That’s just how it is, and nobody is a better or worse person because of it.”_

_“Alright, wise-ass,” you told him, punching his upper arm softly. Both of you laughed and then looked at your shoes for a long moment. It was a comfortable silence, and although you were still terrified of what was going to happen once your family and friends found out that you were not a believer, you felt much better after opening up to Even._

_But then, about a year later, Even suddenly started acting weird around you. You didn't know what started it, but he suddenly seemed to keep a lot of thoughts to himself. He hardly ever hung out with you and the boys anymore, and when he did, he was either very quiet or excused himself after only hanging with you for a short time._

_And even when you and Even hung out alone, he was different. He sometimes wouldn’t talk to you for days without an explanation and when he did, he would ask you weird questions, like: “Sef, do you believe that your brain can kill you?” and “Would you hate me if I did something stupid without being able to explain it?”_

_You didn’t know what to say, except that you would never hate him. But Even only laughed dryly at that as if he didn’t believe you, making you feel like you did something to upset him._

_“Dude, what’s wrong?” you asked him one day while you and Even were hanging out at your place. Your parents were out, so it was just the two of you sitting on your balcony, smoking weed and not talking much._

_You expected Even to shrug and pretend like he didn’t know what you were talking about, but this time, he sighed deeply and stared at his hands for a long moment before looking up at you. “Can I ask you something … really weird, Yousef?” he finally said, his voice sounding croaky and broken._

_“Even, you’ve been asking a lot of weird things lately, but yeah, sure?” you said, trying to smile as encouragingly as possible._

_Taking a deep drag from the joint and then handing it to you, Even nodded slowly and then cleared his throat. “What would you think if I told you …” he hesitated, letting out a nervous chuckle. “Would you still be my friend if I … if I liked … guys?”_

_At the last word, Even’s eyes met yours and the sadness in them almost took your breath away._ Why does he sound like he’s giving up? _you thought, feeling a sting in your heart at the thought that Even didn’t think you would accept him no matter what. The look on your best friend’s face was so sad, as if he had already resigned himself to the prospect of losing you because of what he just confessed. It made you feel horrible: Did you really give Even the impression that you were homophobic? How else was it possible he felt he had to ask that question?_

_You should probably have been shocked or surprised about Even admitting to you that he’s into boys. But for some reason it didn’t shock you at all. A part of you was even relieved, almost happy, and as much as that scared you it also made one thing unmistakably clear; you liked guys, too._

_Although you’d tried to deny it to yourself, you’d known for quite a while. And now, with Even staring holes into your skull, you couldn’t keep it in anymore. But instead of saying it, you decided to show him._

_Cupping his face with one hand, you leaned in and pressed your lips to Even’s, closing your eyes and trying to ignore the heavy thumping of your heart. You intended to just give him a peck, letting him know you didn’t care about him liking guys, but as soon as your lips were on his, you melted into the kiss._

_For a second, you thought Even was going to push you away, but then his hands were on your hips and he pulled you closer, kissing you back. You sighed against his lips, your heart beating so fast you were worried it was going to jump out of your chest at any second. Still, you kissed him again, longer this time, stroking Even’s temple with your thumb while coiling your other arm around his shoulders. Even’s fingers tightened on your waist as he let out a soft sigh as if he’d been waiting for this to happen._

_And just when you were about to pull back to ask him what this meant, someone cleared their throat behind the two of you, making you jump apart._

_“Sorry to interrupt,” Elias said with an amused grin. He looked a little taken aback, but his expression was curious, not disgusted. You turned to look at Even, expecting him to have an easy explanation on his lips, but you inhaled sharply at the sight of his face._

_He was white as a sheet, staring at Elias as if he were a ghost. The Bakkoushs lived in the same building as you and your parents, so it wasn’t unusual for him to show up unannounced, but Even looked so shocked you were worried he wasn’t breathing anymore._

_However, before either you or Elias could ask Even if he was okay, he got to his feet and bolted out of the room. You went after him, calling his name and saying it was okay, that you could talk about this and it didn’t have to mean anything. But Even ran so fast you didn’t even see him anymore by the time you got out of the house._

_“What’s going … on?” Elias panted behind you, looking as worried as you felt. “Are you guys dating or something? Is that why you’ve only been hanging out by yourselves lately?”_

_You slowly shook your head. “No, we’re not dating. Even, he…” you closed your eyes, trying to think straight. It took you a long moment to realise what had just happened: You had kissed your best friend in front of a guy you love like a brother._

_But Elias didn’t even blink. He just put his arm around you and led you back up the stairs._

_“Breathe, Yousef, it’s okay. I figured you guys were sort of into each other,” he said, making you stare blankly at him._

_“What? How?” was all you managed to ask._

_Elias just smiled warmly and shrugged. “What was I supposed to think? The two of you have been hanging out alone so much we hardly see you anymore. Plus I think I’ve caught you staring at Even a few times.” He lets out a short laugh and leads you into your living room, plopping down on one of the couches, patting the spot next to him. “Anyway, I don’t care, alright? You do you, and if you and Even are in love, that’s fine by me.”_

_You would have been overjoyed at Elias’ accepting attitude, if you weren’t so worried about Even. So you leaned your elbows on your knees and turned to look at him, clearing your throat. “Thanks man, but Even and I aren’t in love, I swear.” The lie tasted bitter on your tongue, but your feelings didn’t matter now. “He just admitted to me that he likes guys and I, like an idiot, couldn’t just fucking tell him it was okay .. no, I had to go and scare the shit out of him …”_

_Elias put his arm around your shoulders again, chuckling quietly. “Chill, man. It’s gonna be okay. Even will come around, he always does.”_

_Remembering the terrified look on Even’s face when he told you he liked guys, you really hoped Elias was right._

_But the next day, while you were trying to come up with a message to write to Even, you saw his recent facebook posts._

_It was several individual text posts, and you instantly recognised them as quotes from the Quran:_

Quran 7:80-84 - "...For ye practice your lusts on men in preference to women: ye are indeed a people transgressing beyond bounds.... And we rained down on them a shower of brimstone."

Quran 26:165-166 - "Of all the creatures in the world, will ye approach males, and leave those whom Allah has created for you to be your mates? Nay, ye are a people transgressing.”

_Even had posted several more quotes from Hadiths and quotes from Imams and Islamic scholars around the world who condemned homosexuality. You were so confused and scared at the same time, unsure if you should be angry with Even or worried about him._

_Why would he do this? He knew Elias, Mikael, Mutta and Adam were muslim and that it would hurt them to read this. Even also knew your parents well and they loved and respected him, so what made him think that anyone would just condemn him for liking guys? But then you read Even’s last post, and your heart almost stopped._

“If the God you believe in hates me, why shouldn’t you? Wouldn’t it be better if I just disappeared?”

_You only noticed you had started moving by the time you were already outside, running down the street towards the house where Even lived with his parents. A part of you was wondering if you were overreacting, but when you saw the ambulance, you knew your instinct had been right._

_Even’s parents were standing next to the vehicle, looking lost and hurt, and you really wanted to walk over there to comfort them and to ask what happened. But you were too ashamed. What if they knew why Even had run away yesterday? What if they somehow blamed you for making Even feel ashamed of himself?_

_So you walked away, hoping that Even would be alright and telling yourself that maybe he would forget what happened and everything would go back to normal._

_Even didn’t reply to your messages all day, and after a night of uneasy sleep, you finally got up the courage to text his girlfriend. Sonja didn’t hang out with the six of you a lot but she had always been kind to you. Of course you were worried that she suspected something - after all, even Elias had noticed you staring at Even, and he wasn’t usually the most perceptive person._

_But your worry about your best friend was bigger than your pride, so you sent Sonja a message, asking if Even was doing okay._

_Her reply was instant, but also short._

                                                **Sonja**

                                                                  Hey Sonja, I was just wondering if Even’s okay? I know

                                                                  he had to go to the hospital but haven’t heard from him

                                                                  since. Is everything alright?

Talk to Elias, he just called me.

_That just made you feel even more uneasy than you already did, and when you asked Elias about it during your lunch break, he told you to come to his place after school so the five of you could discuss it. He looked sad and worried, making your heart hurt so much you hardly managed to sit through your afternoon classes._

_Shortly after three o'clock, you finally walked into the Bakkoushs’ living room to find the boys sitting there with somber looks on their faces. Feeling your heartbeat in your throat, you sat down next to Mikael and asked: “What’s going on?”_

_Elias cleared his throat but you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. “I called Sonja this morning to ask about Even, because no one has heard from him since Sunday,” he explained, and you just stared at your knees, trying to ignore the trace of accusation in Elias’ words._

_“She says he’s depressed. He tried to kill himself,” Mikael burst out, confirming your worst fears. Your heart started pounding as you looked up at him to see tears shining in his eyes, instinctively putting your arm around him and pulling him close._

_“It’s going to be okay, Mik,” you whispered into your friend’s hair, trying to reassure yourself as much as him. You’d known that Even must have done something stupid the moment you had seen the ambulance, but learning that you had been right was still a shock. Mikael hid his face at your shoulder and flung both arms around your waist, his silent tears wetting your t-shirt. As much as you hoped to console him though, you could tell that the other boy believed your words as little as you did._

_“Yousef, you were the only one who hung out with him lately.” Elias’ voice sounded calm and gentle, and for a second you were worried he was about to bring up what happened the last time you and Even ‘hung out’. However when you finally looked up at him, Elias gave you a small reassuring smile before adding:  “Did you notice anything … different about Even?”_

_You wiped your nose as Mikael let go of you and sat up straighter, looking at you with desperate eyes. “Uh, only that he asked a lot of … strange questions,” you said, trying to decide whether or not Even would want you to share this with the boys. Then again, after what happened on Sunday, Even would probably never talk to you again anyway. “He asked if I would hate him if he did something stupid without knowing why or something.”_

_The four boys all stared blankly at you for a moment, and then Mutta cleared his throat, making you look up at him. “Sonja said that .. his illness makes him do stupid things he wouldn’t normally do … especially when he’s uh, what did she say?”_

_He looked around at the other three, frowning slightly. It was quiet for a few seconds until Adam’s low voice broke the silence. “Manic,” he said, sounding scared and sad at the same time. He was looking at his knees and his arms were folded in front of his chest. You knew Adam well enough to know he was trying his best not to cry, and you couldn’t blame him as there were tears welling up behind your eyes as well._

_“What does that mean?” you asked, looking at Elias, who merely shrugged with a hopeless expression._

_“I don’t know. He’s not picking up his phone and he’s not replying to our texts either.”_

_The five of you sat in the Bakkoush’s living room for a long time, googling “mania” and “depression”, trying to understand what was wrong with your friend and how you could possibly help him._

_The more you found out, the more sure you were that what happened on the Sunday before was all your fault. Obviously, Even hadn’t been feeling well, and instead of helping him calm down, your actions had only made things worse. If you had just reassured Even instead of kissing him, Elias wouldn’t have caught you and Even wouldn’t have panicked._

_And most importantly, he never would have tried to take his own life. That evening when you got home, you threw up over the toilet, sick with guilt and worry. It felt like the world was ending. You couldn’t imagine a life without your best friend, but you knew you lost him for good._

_Even never answered any of your texts anymore, and he never picked up his phone. No one opened the door whenever you and the boys went by his house and you never saw him at school again._

And that’s why ever since, you’ve never kissed a boy again. Because the first time you did, you hurt the best friend you ever had so much that he ran away and never came back.

By now, you’ve reached your house and your head hurts from the weight of all the sad memories. But you have also realised that the conversation with Sana has made one thing very clear. You have to talk to Even again. At the very least you have to try.


	2. Painful memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my last-minute beta Vany @deansfallenangel who helped me out with my anxiety over this chapter <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Even's suicide attempt features in this chapter!

**Even**

You’re sitting on your and Isak’s bed, grinning at your phone like an idiot. Mamma is at work, but since no one goes shopping for clothes on a Tuesday afternoon in December, she has time to text you. Apparently, she just told her co-worker about you and Isak and is asking for a picture so she can show off her “gorgeous son and his wonderful boyfriend.”

_Coming out to your parents was a joke, and not because they mocked you for your sexuality, but because they teased you for thinking it was a big deal and that they didn’t know._

_“Even, you’ve admired people of all shapes and sizes ever since you were little, regardless of their gender. I remember you asking mamma if you could marry a boy or a girl when you were fifteen because you couldn’t tell which one you liked better.” Those were Pappa’s words when you sat him and Mamma down one night after dinner and told them you were pretty sure you’re pansexual._

_You stared at him for almost a minute until Mamma asked what exactly pansexual means, briefly interjecting that she doesn’t care who you bring home as long as they make you happy._

Still, whenever Mamma so blatantly flashes her acceptance for your relationship with Isak, your heart floods with pride and love for her. You’re still grinning while you type a reply to her.

 **** **** **** **** **_Mamma_ **

_Even, Karoline wants to see a picture of_

_you and Isak, can you send me one? I_

_want to show off my gorgeous son and_

_his wonderful boyfriend_

_You’re such a sap . One moment, I’ll find one._

Opening your gallery app, you scroll through your photos, trying to find one of the first pictures you ever took with Isak: it’s the one that he posted on his insta before the Christmas party at kollektivet last year with the caption “no filter.” You love Isak’s smile on that photo, and knowing Karoline, she will swoon at the sight of it.

You’re scrolling too fast however, and before you know it, you’ve reached the very bottom of the page. Just as you’re about to scroll up again, one of the pictures catches your eye. You recognise it instantly and wonder why you haven’t deleted it, but before you can stop yourself, you’ve already clicked on it.

 

You stare at the screenshot for a few moments, suddenly feeling your heartbeat in your throat. Why have you not deleted this picture? Isak uses your phone all the time, he might have seen this for all you know. Sure, you could tell him the truth but it would sound incredibly weird. “Babe, this is a montage I made about two years ago to challenge Yousef to a dance battle. Who's Yousef? Oh, just my best friend who I haven't spoken to in over a year, why?”

But what really scares you is that the second you see _his_ face, it all comes back to you. And although you wish you could just forget how things went to shit between you and your former best friend, you remember every detail like it was yesterday.

_Everything started going wrong when you found out you had bipolar disorder. During a holiday with your parents, you had your first manic episode. You had been depressed before, a fact your parents attributed to the death of your grandmother a year and a half ago. The two of you had been very close and it hit you hard when she died. But when a year after she died, you still suddenly spent weeks without properly talking to your parents several times in just a few months, your mother started getting suspicious. She had already arranged for you to see a psychiatrist after the holiday, telling you it was just to check if you needed help._

_All throughout the holiday you had been hyped up, your thoughts racing at high speed, and you were almost dizzy with all the energy thrumming through your veins. You felt like a superhero, as if you had the strength to lift the world from its hinges._

_It all culminated though while you and your parents were hiking in the woods. Without knowing why, you suddenly ran ahead of your mum and dad until you reached the edge of a cliff. To your parents’ horror, you suggested you try and jump, convinced that you could fly._

_Your parents somehow managed to get you away from the cliff and only hours later, you crashed and couldn’t leave your bed for days. The holiday was cut short and you didn’t let the boys know you were back early, feeling like never leaving your bed again._

_When you finally started feeling properly functional again about a week later, your parents accompanied you to your first session with a therapist, who explained that you were most likely suffering from bipolar disorder. And although it was helpful to know that there was a reason for how you had been thinking and feeling and that it wasn’t your fault , you were terrified. You didn’t need a secret you had to hide from the boys. You were embarrassed and didn't want to burden them with your stupid problems. Also, you were convinced they would never understand what it was you were suffering from._

_At that time, you had been dating Sonja for about two years, and she was the only other person apart from your parents you told about your mental illness. She understood and promised to be there for you, and she kept her word. Whenever you were down, she made excuses for you to the boys and she helped you monitor your moods and behaviours. It didn’t always work, but eventually you started learning to distinguish between the effects of your illness and your own personality traits._

_Soon you started spending more time with Yousef alone, without the boys. You had no idea when it had started, but you suddenly started catching yourself watching your best friend more often than usual. Whenever he laughed you wanted to hold him close, and you could spend hours just looking at him. His dark brown eyes were so beautiful, and you wished you could run your hands through his silky, half-long hair._

_About six months after you got your diagnosis, lying to Yousef became unbearable. Not just because he was your best friend, but also because it was getting harder to ignore the  feelings you had for him. Sonja was good to you, but the more she tried to help you, the more it started feeling like she was just your caretaker instead of your girlfriend. You felt controlled by her worries and wanted nothing more than to break free._

_It would have been easier to ignore your feelings for your best friend if Yousef didn’t look back at you with the softest smiles. Sometimes, he even blushed and touched your hand or your shoulder a little longer than what would be considered platonic. And that’s why suddenly, you got the idea that maybe you should tell him about everything. About your illness, and about your feelings for him. So you asked him questions, trying to find out if he would still be your friend if he knew you were crazy. His answers were encouraging, somehow, but you were too afraid to actually tell him why you asked._

_It all went to shit with a seemingly casual comment from Adam. The six of you were hanging out in the Bakkoushs’ backyard, playing Kubb and trying to get Mikael to admit who his latest crush was. Adam had seen a heart with the letters “M+S” on Mikael’s notebook and told the rest of you._

_“Is it Sybille from first year? She’s cute, but a little out of your league, don’t you think?” Elias asked, patting Mikael’s shoulder. You could tell Mikael was uncomfortable, and considering that you yourself had a crush that you didn’t want to talk to anyone about, you tried to help him out._

_“I think this is Mik’s business, yeah? I mean, I’m sure he’ll tell us all about whoever it is as soon as he knows how his crush feels?” You deliberately chose gender neutral words. On one hand, you didn’t want to assume that Mikael was in love with a girl, and on the other you wanted to see if the boys caught on and gave you their opinion about boys liking other boys without you having to ask._

_“It better not be a boy though,” Adam said as if he had read your thoughts, making the blood in your veins freeze. “That’ll just get you into a world of trouble with your folks.”_

_“Shut up, Adam,” Yousef said quietly, making you turn to look at him. He was chewing his lower lip and if you didn’t know better, you could have sworn your best friend had paled considerably._

_Swallowing hard, you struggled to keep a straight face. You wanted to say something to Adam, but the words got stuck in your throat. You should have known. Adam’s family was religious, and so were the rest of the boys’. Of course, none of them would ever like the idea of one of their best friends dating a boy._

_Elias then changed the subject, asking you and Yousef if you were going to be on his team to play Kubb, and the rest of the boys protested, saying that would be unfair. After that, no one spoke about Adam’s comment anymore._

_But you couldn’t stop wondering what Yousef would say if you told him about your feelings. The most hopeful part of you wanted to believe that he had seemed uncomfortable after Adam’s comment because he, too felt more for you than just deep friendship. And although you knew Yousef’s family would never approve, you still thought that if he felt the same, the two of you might just be able to make it work._

_After all, your best friend had admitted to you that he was pretty sure he didn't’ believe in God. That didn’t mean Yousef would just go against his family’s wishes, but at least it made you hope that he would be willing to give it a shot._

_Also, being the hopeless romantic that you had always been, you just had to know._

_You weren’t going to tell Yousef about your feelings for him right away, but you wanted to at least find out how he felt about you being into guys. Baby steps, you told yourself._

_However, when you were sitting on that balcony with him, the more realistic part of you took over, convincing you that you would lose Yousef as soon as he would learn that you didn’t only like girls._

_You were about to panic and run, but then Yousef looked into your eyes with the warmest smile he’d ever given you. Your heartbeat sped up and you smiled back hopefully, clearing your throught and sitting up a little straighter. Maybe the hopeful part of you was right. Maybe Yousef would accept you, maybe he would even love you back. And that was probably the reason you even got the words out._

_But then you were suddenly kissing Yousef and your brain short-circuited when you realised he was kissing you back. Your heart soared and you felt like you could fly. You held onto him, revelling in the feeling of Yousef’s lips on yours while your heart threatened to jump out of your chest. He loves me back, you thought and in your mind you were already picturing introducing Yousef to your family not as your best friend but as your official boyfriend. Of course you would have to break up with Sonja, but you knew that was overdue ever since you admitted to yourself that you had feelings for your best friend._

_However, when Elias interrupted you and Yousef, you were sure that the confusion in his eyes would turn into disgust if you stuck around._

_So you ran. Away from Yousef, away from Elias, away from the boys you grew up with and loved like brothers. You were convinced that you had lost them forever. There was no way they could ever accept you for who you were._

_You roamed the streets of Oslo for hours, unable to stop moving, your mind racing so much you felt dizzy with thoughts. One moment you were crying, feeling so sad you wanted to jump into the harbour and wait for a ship to run you over, and the next you were laughing out loud without knowing why._

_The police picked you up eventually. It was dark outside and you were terrified, thinking they were going to lock you up for running around and laughing too loudly. Although the police officers kept telling you they were only bringing you home and that your parents had called them because they were worried. You didn’t believe them and kept trying to get out of the car, however without success._

_But by the time they did drop you off at home, the storm in your head was finally slowing down. Your mother embraced you at the front door, crying hysterically, and you didn’t understand why she was so upset. You were home, so what, big deal. It wasn’t like you never went out by yourself, you were a grown-up. But  it started becoming harder to keep your eyes open, so you slowly made your way up to your room. You managed to take off your clothes and climb up the ladder to your bed, and you hardly heard your mother ask if you were alright before you fell asleep._

_The full weight of what happened hit you when you woke up the next day. You remembered telling Yousef you were into guys, and you remembered kissing him. You weren’t sure anymore if he kissed you back or pushed you away, but you were convinced that it was all your fault. Yousef would certainly hate you now, and Elias saw you, so he would tell the others, and they would hate you too. Their religion was against boys loving boys, so you and Yousef would never be together, you knew that._

He wouldn’t want you anyway _, the mean little voice in the back of your head whispered, making your heart hurt and feel even heavier in your chest._ Who would want a fucked up, mentally ill piece of shit like you anyway?

 _Mamma came into your room every few hours to check on you, asking if you wanted to eat something or if you felt like getting up. You could barely muster up the energy to shake your head in reply, but Mamma smiled kindly anyway. She said you shouldn’t feel bad for running away, that your brain just went into overdrive and needed some time to recover._ She’s just being nice, _the little voice in your head murmured in response._ She hates that you’re like this. You’re just a burden.

_You didn’t move all day, only during the night did you drag yourself out of bed to go to the bathroom. Back in bed, you wished you could just stop breathing, thinking that would be the best thing for everyone._

_But you woke up again the next day, still feeling as if your body were made of lead. You registered mamma and pappa coming into your room a few times, and in the afternoon, you managed to humour your mother by getting up to join her in the kitchen._

_She was making lasagna for dinner and talking about her new job - she had just started working at a clothing store and really loved the work there - but you hardly listened. Somehow, you managed to force down three spoons of soup but after that you got up and went back to bed without saying a word._

_The next three days passed in a blur. You spent most of the time in bed, either sleeping, silently crying into your pillow or just lying there, trying not to think. Sometimes, your mother managed to coax you out of your room and make you eat a little something, but everything tasted like ashes in your mouth._

_By the fourth day, you had made a decision. You waited for your parents to go to sleep and then crept out of your room. Sure, your mind was useless, but at least you could do something to put a stop to all this. You just wanted to stop feeling like this, and you wanted to stop hurting people just by existing._

_You remembered that your father had to take sleeping pills a few weeks back because the stress at his work place was keeping him awake, and you found almost a full container of them in the bathroom closet. In the kitchen, you found a bottle of vodka, and so you sat down at the table and downed half a glass of it before taking the pills. You didn’t count them, but by the time you couldn’t swallow any more, there were only a few pills left in the container. Laying your head down on the table, you closed your eyes and hoped it wouldn’t take long._

_On the next day, you woke up in the hospital, your parents sleeping in two chairs next to your bed. And although you wished you hadn’t failed to end your life, the look on your mother’s face when she woke up and realised you were awake made it that little bit easier to accept that you were still here. It took a long time and lots of help from your therapist, but somehow, you got out of your depressive episode and learned to smile again._

_But no matter how many times your parents encouraged you to call the boys or go see them, you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were too embarrassed, too ashamed of what you did to Yousef and what you said about your best friends’ religion. So you decided to leave them behind._

_They were better off without you anyway._

The sound of an incoming text startles you out of your trip down memory lane. Your heart is racing and you have to close your eyes and shake your head before you can read the message on your phone.

 ****   ****   ****   ****   **_Mamma_ **

_Can’t decide which picture to pick?_

Taking a deep breath, you close your eyes for a second and then scroll up until you find the picture you were going to send to Mamma.

                                                        _Sorry, took a while to find it. There you go._

After hitting send, you drop your phone on the bed and lean back into the pillows, covering your face with both palms. You wait for your heartbeat to slow down and wonder if seeing that picture was a sign.

Maybe you should finally tell Isak what happened with the boys. He’s made it clear that he’s not expecting an explanation from you, that your secrets are your own and that he loves you no matter what. But you’ve thought a few times already that you want him to know. Isak has gone through so much, and he let you be there for him when he slowly got back in touch with his mother and father. You were happy to do it, and he made you so proud when he announced that he wanted to visit his mother more regularly.

And although you’re still a little scared of his reaction, you want to trust Isak with everything too.

So when you hear the key turn in the lock a few minutes later, your mind is made up.


	3. Hurt and comfort

**Isak**

From the second you see Even sitting on your bed, you know something’s up. He’s looking at you expectantly, blinking nervously and his hands are folded in his lap.

“Hey baby,” he murmurs  with a hesitant smile when you walk into the main room. You drop your backpack at the foot of the bed and move over to him.

“Hey,” you say back, cupping Even’s face with both palms to kiss him. He sighs and slides both arms around your waist, pulling you onto his lap. Straddling his thighs, you get up on your knees and lean your forehead against his, searching Even’s eyes for an answer to the question before you ask it.

“What’s up?”

Even sighs again and closes his eyes, roping his arms tighter around your waist, as if he was scared you’re about to leave. To reassure him, you wrap one arm around Even’s shoulders and kiss him again, longer this time, closing your eyes as well. You feel him relax into the kiss and when you open your eyes to look at him, he even smiles a little.

So you smile back and cup his face with your palms again, waiting for Even to start talking.

“I found something on my phone today,” he finally says, sounding scared. “And I think I … it made me want to tell you something.”

After that, Even sort of deflates, and you climb off his lap, taking both his hands in yours and pulling him with you. “Lie down with me,” you say softly. Even nods, resting his head on the blue pillow on his side of the bed with a long sigh. You lie down close beside him, so close that your noses touch, and rest your arm gently around his waist.

“You never asked why I left Bakka,” Even then says matter-of-factly. It’s not a question, more like an incredulous statement, as if he had just realised that you never pressured him to tell you about his past and couldn’t quite believe it. Smiling gently, you reach out to tap his nose with your finger. Even smiles back hesitantly, the look in his eyes filled with a mix of wonder and sadness.

“I knew you would tell me when you’re ready,” you say simply, and it’s the truth. You talked about this with Sana lately. While the two of you were studying for biology at your place and Even was at work, you’d asked her why she never told you she knew Even before he came to Nissen. You’d figured it out because you saw a picture of Mikael - the guy Even had made that film with at his old school - on her computer before class.

Sana told you she thought it was up to Even which parts of his past he wanted to share with whom and when. And that was hard to argue with. Plus, you knew that whatever happened, the mere memory of it scared the hell out of Even. And you know first hand what it’s like to go through something you wish you could forget and the way it felt to have to talk about it before you were ready.

“Thank you,” Even whispers and leans forward to kiss the tip of your nose. You just smile at him, waiting for him to go on.

“Okay, so … I was close friends with those five boys. Mikael - the guy from the video you saw, Adam, Mutta, Elias and … Yousef.” Even hesitates slightly before saying that last name. “I met Yousef in kindergarten, and the other four were in our class from first grade onwards. We were all close, but Yousef was my best friend. We did everything together.”

He smiles at the memory and you can’t help but press a kiss to his lips. “That must have been awesome,” you say, and Even nods darkly.

“It was. Anyway, when I was diagnosed with bipolar, I didn’t tell them. I was too ashamed, and I thought they wouldn’t understand.” Even takes a deep breath and reaches up to cup your face with his hand.

You just keep looking at him, a soft smile on your lips to let him know you’re still listening without urging him to go on.

“I was scared of losing them. But more than about them finding out about my bipolar, I was scared they would find out that I didn’t just like girls, but boys as well. So I sort of stopped hanging out with them, except for Yousef.” Again, Even hesitates, pursing his lips with a guilty look on his face.

“I was … at least I thought I was in love with Yousef,” he all but whispers, looking down and swallowing hard.

Your heart beats faster when you realise what that means. Even went through the exact same thing you experienced when you first realised you liked boys. Swallowing around the lump in your throat, you cup Even’s face with your hand again and gently tilt his chin up to make him look at you. “That happened to me too,” you whisper back, and Even’s eyes go wide with surprise.

“What?” he asks, and you can’t help but chuckle, half with embarrassment, half with relief.

“I had a crush on Jonas,” you blurt out so fast you almost bite your tongue. But although you’re blushing furiously, you manage to hold Even’s gaze as you go on. “It was how I worked out I liked guys. And I did some pretty shitty things because of it.”

When you finally look back up at Even, he looks relieved and concerned at the same time. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. Does Jonas know?”

You quickly shake your head. “No, I never told him.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t know,” Even says quietly, but before you can so much as think about panicking, he shushes you and presses a soft kiss to your lips. “I’m sure he wouldn’t think differently of you if he knew,” he adds, carding his fingers through your hair.

“I hope so,” you breathe back, but then you remember that you interrupted Even’s story. “So, you were saying? You had a crush on Yousef. Did you … ever tell him?”

Even purses his lips and shakes his head. “Not exactly.”

He takes another deep breath and then goes on to tell you about the day when everything went to shit with his old friends.

By the time he tells you how he woke up in the hospital, both of you are crying. Even wipes the tears from your face with his thumb, trying to smile. You swallow hard and then get up on your elbow, leaning over to kiss Even’s tears from his cheeks. Your boyfriend closes his eyes and holds very still. When you’re done, you lie back down, wrapping your arm tightly around Even’s waist and bringing your face even closer to his.

“Thank you for telling me,” you whisper and capture his lips in a soft kiss. “That can’t have been easy.”

Even sighs and caresses your temple with his thumb. “You deserve to know,” he breathes and kisses you again before adding: “Plus, it felt good to tell you. I feel … less alone now that you know.”

That makes you think. Sure, you understand that Even is afraid. He didn’t switch schools just for fun. Still, you can’t help but wonder…

“Have you ever considered talking to Yousef again?” you ask hesitantly. Even stiffens in your embrace, but he doesn’t avert his eyes.

“M-maybe?” he murmurs after a long moment. “I just … I don’t know how? I mean I made everything weird by kissing Yousef and I ... “ Even lets out a deep breath. “I think he hates me.”

“Even,” you say softly, shaking your head and reach up to run a hand through his hair. “I don’t know Yousef, but for all you know, he might have had feelings for you, too. Plus, just because you kissed him once, that doesn’t mean your friendship has to be ruined forever.”

Your boyfriend’s expression goes from sad to incredulous while you speak. He starts caressing your hair again, chewing on his lower lip for a moment before he replies. “So you think …. I should try and reach out?”

“Yeah,” you nod and then sit up, pulling Even with you. “You’ll never know if you don’t at least try? Anyway, they’d be stupid not to want you back.”

“Okay,” Even says as you take both his hands in yours, squeezing them gently. He still looks hesitant, but also hopeful. You get up on your knees and wrap both arms around his shoulders, leaning your forehead against his.

“I’m so proud of you, you know that right?” you tell him, and that makes Even smile. He ropes his arms around your waist and kisses you.

“Thank you,” he murmurs against your lips, and you just have to kiss him again.

Even then lets go of you and throws a sideway glance at his phone lying next to the two of you on the bed.

“You don’t have to do it now,” you tell him, making Even look up at you with wide eyes. “Let’s make dinner first,” you add, taking his hand in yours.

“You mean, I make dinner and you watch?” Even corrects, winking at you and getting up from the bed.

“Shut up,” you grumble but follow him to the kitchen with a content smile on your lips.

After dinner, the two of you watch _Once upon a Time in the West_ , which is one of the few movies you like as much as Even does. However, the movie is barely halfway over when Even taps your shoulder and holds his phone out to you.

“Is this okay?” he asks, and you take the phone from him, thinking he wants to show you a meme. But instead, you see that Even has typed a message to Yousef.

**_Yousef_ **

    _Hey man, I’m sorry for never replying to your messages until_

_now. Things were weird for a while. Anyway, I was wondering_

_if you would maybe want to hang out some time?_

 

You see that Yousef has sent Even more than one message that he never got a reply to, but you decide not to bring that up right now.

“I’d send it,” you say simply, handing the phone back to your boyfriend.

You expect Even to ask if you’re sure, or at least to debate for a few more minutes whether or not he should send the message. But not for the first time today, your boyfriend surprises you. Letting out a nervous laugh, he hits send and then drops the phone on the bed as if it were a hot potato.

You can see panic rising on Even’s face as the possible consequences of what he’s just done begin to occur to him, but before you can think of something to say to reassure him, his phone pings.


	4. I missed you

**Yousef**

You’re sitting on of the swings on the playground, trying hard not to panic. Sana talked you through it. She didn’t want to know what happened exactly, but she was adamant that since Even reached out to you first, there is no way he’s still angry with you. Nonetheless, you’re terrified of meeting him again.

For what feels like the hundredth time, you take off your snapback to run your fingers through your hair. _Keep it together, damn it,_ you tell yourself, putting the hat back on. Looking up towards the street, you have to stifle a gasp of surprise.

Even has just turned the corner, holding another boy by the hand. He’s wearing jeans and a red hoodie over a black T-shirt with Nas’s face on it, and of course, his hair looks perfect, as it always did. The boy next to him is almost as tall as Even. He has dark blond curls and is also wearing jeans and a grey hoodie. The two of them are smiling at each other, and apparently they haven’t seen you yet, because the boy stops walking and pulls Even into a hug, murmuring something in his ear. Even visibly relaxes and then moves back, taking the boy’s hand again and together, they walk onto the playground.

You get up and wipe your sweaty hands on your jeans, trying to smile as you watch your best friend walk towards you. Even smiles back hesitantly, and by the way he’s blinking twice as often as usual you can tell he’s nervous too.

“Hey,” you say when Even and his boyfriend are standing in front of you.

“Hey,” Even greets back, pursing his lips before turning to look at the boy next to him. “Isak, this is Yousef, Yousef, this is Isak,” he adds, and his boyfriend lets go of Even’s hand to shake yours.

He has a firm handshake and looks into your eyes when he says “Nice to meet you,” which makes you believe he means it. You smile back at him, feeling glad that Even has this guy by his side. You’ve only just met Isak, but somehow you can already tell he’s good for Even.

“Likewise,” you reply and then look at Even again, unsure what to do. You kind of want to hug him but you aren’t sure if he would want that, so you end up just awkwardly patting his shoulder. “How’ve you been, Even?”

Even folds his arms across his chest and smiles kindly at you. “I’m really good, thanks,” he says, and the look in his eyes leaves no doubt that he means it. “And you?”

“I’m okay, I guess.” You chuckle quietly, not sure whether it’s because you’re nervous or because the fact that you and Even don’t know what to say to each other anymore is so ridiculous.

“I think I’ll leave you two alone,” Isak then says suddenly, giving you a hesitant smile. “See you later,” he adds with a look at Even, who smiles and nods back at him. Isak kisses him briefly and then shakes your hand again. “Good to meet you, man. And see you around, I guess.”

“Yeah, same, Isak,” you reply, hoping your smile doesn’t look as stupid as you feel. This guy, who has every reason to hate you for having been an asshole to his boyfriend is being perfectly nice and you answer in one syllable words?

But before you can apologise, Isak squeezes Even’s upper arm and walks off the playground, leaving the two of you alone.

Even meets your eye with a hesitant smile, digging his hands into his pockets, and suddenly you decide to break the tension. You can’t stand this awkwardness between you and the person who knows you better than anyone else. So before Even can say anything, you take a deep breath and throw your arms around him.

A surprised gasp escapes Even, but then he hugs you back, wrapping his arms around your middle. “I’ve missed you, Bech,” you croak out, clutching onto Even’s shoulders as if for dear life.

Even’s quiet laugh reverberates in your upper body. “I’ve missed you too, Sef,” he murmurs at your shoulder. “I’m sorry I never replied to you and the boys. I was ...I just couldn't face you after what happened.”

You nod quietly, hoping Even can feel it. For a moment, the two of you just stand there, holding on to each other, if for no other reason than to avoid bursting into tears the moment you look into the other’s eyes again.

Finally, Even lets go of you and walks over to the swingset, sitting down on the swing you occupied before he and Isak got here. You follow him and take a seat on the other swing, not sure what to say. But before you can think of anything, Even takes a deep breath and finally looks up at you, an awkward smile on his lips. “Fuck, I was so embarrassed.”

Frowning slightly, you smile back at him, hoping you look more confident than you feel. “What were you so embarrassed about anyway? It’s not like you were the only one who messed up,” you tell him.

Now it’s Even’s turn to frown at you. “Yousef, I kissed you without your consent and then ran away, posted some offensive shit about your religion and then never spoke to you again.” He sighs deeply before adding, “No wonder you and the boys hated me.”

Shaking your head, you blink a few times and then move your swing sideways to gently bump Even’s shoulder. “Okay,” you say, rolling your eyes in fond exasperation, “you got the most important part of that wrong.”

Even stares incredulously at you, making you realise he really believes what he just said. You clear your throat. “What do you remember of … the last time we hung out?” you ask carefully, and Even frowns, looking at his knees.

“I remember asking if you would mind me liking guys,” he begins, letting out a short chuckle. “I was in love with you, you see. But since you only ever talked about girls and you were technically still muslim, I couldn’t just tell you that.”

By now, your head is spinning, but Even doesn’t seem to notice. He sighs deeply and licks his lower lip.“So I figured I should at least find out if you would mind me dating boys. I knew I couldn’t be with you, but I also didn’t want to lose you in case I fell in love with another boy some day.”

Even looks at you again with a soft smile, but as he takes in your expression his face falls and he suddenly looks concerned. “Sef, are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just …” you swallow hard and wipe your face with one hand before looking at him again. “You were in love with me?”

The question comes out as almost a whisper, and when Even’s eyes meet yours, you see the realisation dawn in them. “I had feelings for you too, Even.”

You speak so quietly you’re not even sure Even heard you, but when you look up at him, the expression on his face speaks louder than words.

“I kissed _you_. At first it was just because I wanted to prove to you that I don’t care if you date guys. But then you kissed me back, and I felt so happy. If Elias hadn’t interrupted us, I would have kept kissing you all day.” The words fall from your mouth like water from a fountain, and you have to force yourself to keep looking at Even while talking. As soon as you’re done, you look at your feet though, your heart beating frantically against your chest. Your cheeks are burning, letting you know you must be blushing like crazy, but before you can get up and run, you feel Even’s hand on your shoulder.

You look up at him again to find Even staring at you with a mix of confusion and concern. “You kissed me first?” he asks, sounding incredulous.

Sighing deeply, you just nod, holding Even's gaze.

Even lets out a long breath and looks down at his knees, taking a moment to process that information. When he looks up again, his expression is full of gentle curiosity.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, but you can tell he reads the answer in your eyes before you give it.

“For the same reason you didn’t tell me I guess. I mean, you were dating Sonja back then, so I was dead sure you were straight.”

Even chuckles slightly and lets go of you, folding his hands in his lap and looking up at the sky. “I never thought about that, you know? Being gay or straight or whatever. Before I even met Sonja, I liked looking at boys as much as I liked looking at girls. I didn’t think anything of it, so I didn’t tell you guys.”

He lets out a long sigh and then leans his elbows on his knees, looking into your eyes again. “But then, about a year after me and Sonja started dating, I told her I thought one of her male co-workers at the coffee shop where she worked was pretty cute. She frowned at me, asking, “are you gay or something?” and that was the first time I realised that not everyone felt the way I did about other people.”

Shaking your head, you smile at him, immensely relieved that talking to Even suddenly feels as easy as it always has. “You were lucky to grow up without prejudice, Even,” you tell him, pursing your lips. “My family … they’re not bad people, but … Let’s just say, there was no way I could have grown up not knowing that there was a difference between liking guys and liking girls.”

While you talk, Even’s expression goes from thoughtful to somber and you decide you have to set the record straight. Clearing your throat, you sit up straighter and make sure Even is looking into your eyes. “Just in case that wasn’t clear: I don’t care who you date, as long as you’re happy.”

You chuckle slightly, and almost as an afterthought, you add: “I mean, I’m bisexual too, so ...”

Even’s face lights up and he smiles happily. “That’s awesome, Sef,” he says, sounding so sincere your heart skips a beat. But then he lets out a long sigh and looks at his joint hands. “I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t just ... assumed.”

You shake your head again, suddenly feeling uneasy. “It’s okay … I mean, if I’m lucky, I’ll marry a girl anyway so they won’t have to know.” As you say the words you realise that although they’re technically true, it doesn’t make it better that you have to hide your sexuality from your family.

With a deep sigh, Even looks up at you again, pursing his lips. “That doesn’t make it hurt any less that they wouldn’t accept your sexuality if they knew about it, though,” he says, as if he was reading your thoughts.

And that’s when it hits you. This is exactly why you missed Even so much. He can always tell what’s going on with you without you saying much, and he never judges you for anything. Even just listens and then gives his honest opinion, and it should feel good to have that back.

But because you still feel guilty for causing Even to want to end his life, you suddenly can’t stand the kind look on his face. You don’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, Yousef, that was too …,” Even begins, but you don’t let him finish.

“Even, please stop apologising," you burst out, suddenly feeling desperate. You get to your feet and walk a few steps away, throwing your hands up in the air. Turning back to Even, you try to glare at him, although you’re more angry at yourself than him. He stares back at you, frowning, but you don’t wait for his reply before going on. “ _I_ kissed you first, and if I hadn’t done that, Elias wouldn’t have caught us, you wouldn’t have panicked and run away, and maybe you wouldn’t have gone manic and tried to take your own life and ….”

Taking a deep breath, you suddenly feel dizzy from the storm of thoughts in your head. You crouch down and bury your face in your shaking hands, trying to think of what to say next.

You don’t even realise you’re crying until you feel Even’s arms around you. He runs his hands up and down on your back, murmuring soothing words into your hair while you sob into his shirt with your arms around his waist.

Once your sobs subside a little, Even speaks. “I was already manic when I told you I liked guys. I expected you to reject me, and when you did the opposite and then Elias saw us, I panicked. Later, when I crashed, my mind convinced me that neither you or Elias or the others would ever accept me for who I am, if for no other reason than your religion.”

He sighs deeply and you move your head back, wiping your face with your Hand before looking at him. “I wasn’t really a muslim anymore, you know,” you tell him, and Even nods with a gentle smile.

“I guess I should have known that. But you were still raised as a muslim, so I guess I was scared you would think I was sick or something,” he says as you both get to your feet.

Even holds out a handkerchief to you, which you take with a grateful smile. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Even replies and then clears his throat. “Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: It wasn’t your fault … none of it. I would have crashed no matter what happened, and in a depressive episode, I almost always think of … not wanting to live anymore.” He bites his lower lip and puts a hand on your shoulder. “So really, it wasn’t your fault, Sef, okay?”

He looks into your eyes, and when you take a deep breath, you feel like the huge weight you’ve been carrying around for so long is finally starting to lift. “Okay.”


	5. You were right

**Even**

Yousef wipes his face as both of you straighten up again, muttering out an apology for ‘being such a wuss’, but you just shake your head.

“I won’t tell anyone,” you promise, making both of you laugh. Looking up, you realise it’s getting dark. Apparently Yousef notices as well, because he digs out his phone to check the time.

“Damn, I should be getting home.” He purses his lips and puts his phone back into his pocket. “Hey, do you still live with your folks?” he then asks, stuffing the handkerchief you gave him into his pocket. “I know you guys moved last year.”

“No, I live with Isak now,” you say hesitantly, wondering how Yousef will react.

“Oh, wow, that’s cool,” he says, sounding surprised. But the smile he gives you is genuine. “Isak seems nice,” he then adds, and you can’t help but let out a happy laugh.

“He’s amazing, man,” you tell him while the two of you leave the playground and start walking in direction of the tram stop.

“Does he know about … what happened and stuff?” Yousef’s voice is hesitant, but you hurry to nod reassuringly.

“Yeah, I told him everything. He’s even come to therapy with me a few times.” You smile to yourself at the memory of telling Isak what happened with the boys before you add, “Actually, he encouraged me to text you after I told him what happened with us.”

Yousef looks impressed. “Wow. That’s … really great of him.” He purses his lips and then clears his throat. “Hey Even?”

“Yeah?” You turn to face him and the smile on Yousef’s lips is almost blinding.

“You do know that the rest of the boys won’t care about you liking guys, right?”

It takes you a few seconds to register what Yousef just said. “Uh, what?”

Yousef sighs dramatically and links his arm with yours. “Even, you’ve been best friends with five muslims - well, four, technically - all your life and still think all muslims are homophobic?” He lets out a short laugh, winking at you. “I thought you grew up without prejudice. Seems I was wrong.”

He’s right. You never really talked to the boys about their religion and the way they live it. Sure, you knew they fasted for one month a year and that they skipped some Friday nights of partying in favour of going to the mosque. But still, you never thought to ask what their actual religious views were.

“I’m sorry, Yousef. I should have asked more questions, I guess,” you say, looking into your best friend’s eyes.

Yousef laughs again and pats your shoulder with his free hand. “It’s fine, Even. We never explained anything about Islam to you, so it’s as much our fault as yours.” He smiles kindly at you, making your heart feel as light as a feather. "But really, man. They all miss you as much as me,” Yousef adds, looking into your eyes, and the sincerity in them makes your heart skip a beat.

“Really?” you ask incredulously, biting the inside of your cheek.

Huffing out a laugh, Yousef puts his arm around your shoulder. “Even, you’re not just my best friend, you’re also a brother to all five of us.”

Yousef says that as if he truly believed it. That you mean so much to five of the best people you've ever known is not easy to believe, particularly after everything that happened.

“But I just ...left,” you say, shocked to notice your voice is shaking. “I'm not a good friend.”

“Oh shut up, Bech,” Yousef says forcefully. He stops walking and moves to stand in front of you, putting his hands on your shoulders. Staring blankly at him, you’re about to ask what that was about, but Yousef is already going on.

“You're the best friend I have ever had, alright? So what if we had feelings for each other and it didn't work out. I'm actually kind of glad about that. If we were dating right now, I wouldn't have you to talk about my relationship problems and you wouldn't have Isak. I may have only just met him, but I can tell he’s good for you. Also, this may come as a shock to you, but I’m kind of in love with Sana now. So there. I guess I just want my best friend back, and the boys want their brother back, okay?”

By the time Yousef stops talking, your face is wet with tears of joy. You barely registered what Yousef said about Sana, too overwhelmed with the rest. He is still holding your gaze and there is no way you can talk yourself into thinking he isn’t being serious. And for once, the voice in the back of your head isn’t bitter. _I am enough. They miss me and they’re not mad at me. I am really enough._

Yousef digs the handkerchief you gave him out of his pocket and carefully wipes the tears off your cheeks with it, smiling so warmly it almost makes you cry even more. Letting out half a sob, half a laugh, you throw your arms around him, hiding your face at his shoulder. Yousef hugs you back and sniffles slightly, letting you know he’s fighting tears as well. And although your throat hurts and your eyes sting from crying, you feel so happy it’s almost too much.

“I want you back too,” you finally say when you trust your voice again. It comes out as a croak, so you clear your throat and move your head back to look at your best friend. “I want all of you back too,” you repeat, smiling so hard the corners of your mouth are starting to hurt.

“Oh good,” Yousef’s voice sounds a bit squeaky, making both of you laugh. “You should come by Elias’s place next Thursday after school. We’re recording a new video.”

You frown at him. “A video? For what? Are you guys all into film now?”

Shaking his head, Yousef chuckles and lightly punches your upper arm. “No, but we finally became youtubers, man. Like you, Mikael and Elias always talked about, remember?”

Of course you remember. Elias and Mikael were always eager to help you out with the film projects you had to do for school, and one day, Elias bet you that he could make more interesting films than you. Of course you bet against that, and after several failed attempts to beat you, Elias and Mikael conceded that maybe you should just make videos together instead of betting against each other. You never got a chance to actually do it before everything went to shit. But just hearing that the boys not only never forgot about it but actually started putting your plans in action makes you feel giddy with excitement.

“That’s awesome,” you say, still smiling like an idiot.

Yousef nods, smiling back brightly. “So, I guess you’re going home to that gorgeous man of yours?” he asks, winking at you. “And yes, as a fellow bisexual man I am allowed to call him that.”

“Haha, that’s right,” you laugh, lightly punching Yousef’s upper arm. He smiles confidently at you, and you hesitate for a moment before adding: “Do the boys know, by the way?”

Yousef grins even broader as he nods. “Yeah, I came out to them a month ago, and they were totally chill about it. Still haven’t told my parents though.” Yousef looks proud and scared at the same time.

Nodding slowly, you smile at your best friend, feeling so happy for him you think your heart might just jump out of your chest soon.

“That’s so cool man. And do they also know ... “ you interrupt yourself, suddenly not sure if you heard him right before. “Did you say you’re in love with Sana?”

Yousef giggles happily, adjusting the snapback on his head. “Yeah, man. I’m in a world of trouble, and no, Elias doesn’t know yet, so shut your mouth okay? But I think Sana is it for me.”

He looks so sure and hopeful when he says that, it makes you long for Isak. The way Yousef says Sana’s name reminds you of how much you love that boy, and you suddenly can’t wait to get back to him. But first, you have to clear something up.

“I’m so happy for you, man,” you tell him, pursing your lips. “Also, just so you know: I’m actually pan.”

Yousef frowns. “Wait, what?”

You’re about to start explaining it to him when you see your tram approaching. “I’ll explain some other time, okay? I really want to get home … to that gorgeous man of mine.”

Both of you laugh as the tram stops in front of you. You hug your best friend close and neither of you says anything for a moment. Letting go of him, you pat his shoulder and look into his eyes. They’re still shining with tears but Yousef looks more happy than sad.

“Thank you for texting me, man. It’s good to have you back,” he says firmly, holding your gaze and squeezing your upper arms.

You briefly close your fingers around his wrists, smiling back just as happily. “It’s good to be back,” you reply and let go of him, getting on the tram. “See you soon,” you add, waving at Yousef as the doors close.

Yousef waves back and you could swear you hear him mumble “See you _very_ soon,” which makes you laugh.

The tram has barely turned the corner when you dig out your phone and type a text to Isak.

             **** **_Mannen i mitt liv_ **

_On the tram now. Are you at home?_

Isak answers instantly.

 

_Chill. Yep, just got here. _You_ _

__up for pizza?_ _

_As long as you don’t make it._

 

_Fuck you. How’d it go?_

_Love you too. Tell you when I’m home._

 

_Sounds awesome._

Grinning cheekily to yourself, you’re about to type a teasing reply when you realise you’ve arrived at your stop. Jumping off the tram, you almost skip down the street, whistling to yourself. You still can’t believe that today really happened. Not only did you get your best friend back, you also learned that neither he nor the boys the two of you grew up with are angry with you about anything. It’s going to take a while for that to sink in, but your heart already feels ten times lighter than it did this morning.

You slowly down when you turn into the street where you and Isak live. A light evening breeze caresses your cheek, and suddenly, the relief over what happened in the last hour hits you like a wave.

_I got my best friend back. My brothers want to talk to me again. None of them ever hated me._

It’s still quite difficult to believe all that, and by the time you arrive outside your building a few minutes later, you're laughing and crying with joy at the same time. Walking up the stairs, you wipe your face on the sleeve of your hoodie and try to swallow the tears. But when you walk into your apartment and see Isak sitting on your bed, smiling happily at you, you can’t hold them back anymore.

Isak gets to his feet, asking you what’s wrong but instead of replying you wrap your arms around him and kiss him as if your life depended on it. Stumbling backwards, Isak holds on to your shoulders and kisses you back for a moment before gently disengaging himself to look at you.

“Even, are you alright? You’re crying,” he says and cups your face with both hands. “What did he say to you? I swear if he insulted you …”

“No, no,” you laugh and kiss him again to stop him from getting angry. “It went well. It went so well, baby,” you add, looking into Isak’s eyes to make sure he heard you.

“Then why are you crying?” Isak asks, frowning at you while caressing your temples with his thumbs.

“Because I’m happy,” you admit, laughing out loud with joy. “Yousef isn’t angry with me. You were right about everything, baby.” You kiss him again, closing your eyes and smiling against his lips.

“What was I right about?” Isak asks when you free his mouth for a moment. He’s smiling now, albeit still hesitantly.

“Everything. Yousef was in love with me too, and he said it was him who kissed me first. I guess my mind messed that up when I crashed, that happens sometimes. He wasn’t angry at all. Actually, he felt guilty because he thought it was his fault I went manic after what happened.”

The words all rush out of you, but Isak still seems to understand what you are saying.

His eyes go wider with every word you say and by the time you’re done, he flings an arm around your shoulder while cupping your face with his other hand and kisses you, long and hard. “I knew it,” he grumbles against your lips. “I knew no one in their right mind could ever hold a grudge against you.”

You’re still not sure you believe that, but it feels good to hear it from your boyfriend. Roping your arms around Isak, you kiss him again, slower this time, making him sigh into your mouth. Isak walks a few steps backwards, pulling you with him, until his legs hit the foot of the bed. Without freeing his lips, you move your hands to the back of his thighs and hoist him up. Isak wraps his legs around your middle as you move forward and lower him onto the mattress, removing your lips from his for a moment to marvel at his beautiful face.

You could look at Isak all day, every day and not get tired of it. However, he doesn't let you stare for long, locking his legs tighter around your waist to pull you closer.

Letting out a content sigh, you cup Isak’s face with both hands and press your lips to his. It’s a series of soft, gentle kisses mixed with nose brushes and smiles against his mouth, each of them meant to be a silent statement. _Thank you for being you. I love you for sticking by me. You're incredible._

“I love you,” Isak breathes in between kisses while drawing little circles on your back, sending shivers down your spine. “I’m so proud of you.”

And you will say it all back. You love Isak as much as he loves you, and you’re more than proud of him. But right now, you don’t want to waste a single breath by talking. So you reply by kissing him again, long and lingering, while your hands caress his chest, his arms and legs. You tell him how much he means to you with every kiss, every touch, every breath.

___________________________________

Two days later, you’re walking up the stairs to the Bakkoushs’ apartment, your arm wrapped around Isak's waist.

The Bakkoushs have always been like a second family to you, so coming back here feels like coming home in a way.

“I love you. They will love you too. I'm so proud of you, baby,” you whisper into his hair.

Isak curls into your side with a sigh, smiling softly when you kiss his cheek.”I’m proud of you too.”

“Ready?” you ask then, your finger hovering over the doorbell.

Taking another deep breath, Isak nods and tilts his chin up, asking for a kiss. You oblige happily, cupping your boyfriend’s face with one hand and pecking his lips several times.

And then you ring the doorbell, removing the last barrier between your past and your present.

**It should feel scary, given everything that happened. But somehow, it just feels _right_. **


End file.
